As
with every St. Patrick’s Day since 2011, I have very mixed feelings about my
journey through the day.
While
it is great to wear some green and eat some corned beef while celebrating my
heritage (I don’t drink so nothing like green beer is consumed), it is also a
day of reflection about my 33-year marriage to the ex. It is the anniversary of
the finalizing of my divorce.
Some
years, I reflect that divorce was necessary. The sometimes violent, often abusive
relationship was toxic. When I left on a journey to try to pull myself
together, the ex filed for divorce within a month. The process was punctuated
by nasty exchanges and harassment on both sides. Instead of taking the high
ground, I traded insults blow for blow with her. In hindsight, I am somewhat
ashamed of my behavior. At the same time, I had to note that as my lawyer said,
“she’s nuts.” There was just no way she wasn’t going to play the scorned and
abandoned victim.
But
in these last few years, I spend little time thinking about the tumult of the
divorce and far more about the good times. We produced two wonderful young men,
despite our efforts to impose lifelong emotional trauma. It seems to me that
there was any number of things each of us could have done much better. And so,
dear reader, I would like to share some thoughts on how to make a marriage
work.
It
sounds like a strange thing to say, having been divorced, that I would be
capable of giving advice. But I simply want to share what I wish I could have
done differently.
First,
always be honest no matter what the consequences. It’s no excuse, but in order
to survive living a trauma/drama filled childhood, I learned to lie a lot. I
mainly did it to protect myself from my abusive mother. And unfortunately,
since I had no role model, I never learned how to be honest until much later.
But even a white lie is a betrayal of trust and they lead to a marriage filled
with distrust.
Let
me give you an example: during my marriage, I never cheated. But when living in
the middle of Long Island, I had taken a job in Union, New Jersey – about a 150-mile
daily commute. Unknown to me, I had sleep apnea. My employer had agreed for me
to have flexible hours so sometimes I would arrive extra early, or leave well
after 6 p.m., depending on my workload. But the constant driving left me
exhausted. I was forced to nap, sometimes for hours, to complete the trip. One
morning, I pulled over into a parking lot after crossing the Washington Bridge.
I fell asleep and just couldn’t rouse myself. I slept until about 8 p.m. and
arrived home around 10 p.m. I explained what was going on to the wife and we
went to the hospital. I had a cardiac incident and was hospitalized for a week
as doctors tried to figure out what was wrong with me. Eventually a psychiatrist
figured out I had sleep apnea.
Combined
with some very bad carpal tunnel syndrome, I was on disability for several
years as I went back to college to retrain myself as a teacher.
But
until that day, with clear medical evidence, the wife said she thought I was having an affair. There was no trust
left even though I had done nothing to make her think I was cheating.
If
you choose to be honest, you probably won’t have such a problem.
Second,
you will argue and disagree. Don’t do it in front of the kids and don’t go to
bed until it’s resolved or you at least schedule a time to discuss it. The ex
and I are strong-willed people and both of us fought to win, and whatever was
right or wrong really didn’t matter.
My
now-adult son once told me about the many; many times he would pretend to be
asleep while we were screaming at one another. All the yelling and drama did
was to inflame the situation.
Third,
take time for yourselves. Vacations need to be taken, as well as weekly
‘dates.’ We got so caught up in things such as activities that we don’t take
the time to take one another’s pulse.
Finally,
budget wisely and agree on a financial plan. There is nothing more crushing
than debt. If you must use a credit card for an emergency, discuss it with your
spouse.
That’s
not so hard to do as long as you vow to keep doing it right. The rest is small
stuff, made so by keeping the important stuff under control.
A
couple of years ago, a photo of the ex appeared on one of my son’s Facebook
page. She looked very pale and I asked him if she was OK. My son said it’s none
of my business, and I suppose it isn’t, but after more than three decades, I
still realized I care – very, very much – about her. And that’s the damn
hardest effect of a divorce. You realize how much you’ve thrown away.
Every
married couple is the result of the merger of two families. My son’s
father-in-law suddenly passed last week. By all accounts, he was a very decent
man who raised three daughters and lived a quiet, reflective life. As I looked
at the Facebook pages of his children, I could see how very much he was held in
high esteem. The sadness of a sudden death was balanced by the joy he brought
to others throughout his life.
I
have realized for some time that I will never have people respond to my death like
that. I recently was very weak and ill from the side effects of a medication
and could barely walk and couldn’t get off of a couch at times. I fell several
times as well. I
thought I was on the verge of needing a nursing home. And I wondered how lonely
an existence it would be. And with the death of the “other grandpa” I wondered
if anyone would even bother to show up for my funeral.
My
life has certainly not been well lived enough for many people to care. It is very
depressing and I fight to overcome it each day. It has been made far worse by a
recent illness but I still hope for a more productive life each day.
Hopefully,
dear reader, you will learn enough from my foolishness to make your life
better. If that will be my legacy, I can live with it
