Around 13 years ago, during our bitter, anger-filled divorce, the ex told me that Karma was going to catch up with me. It finally did.
I have been extremely depressed this year. So depressed that, among other things, I’m refusing to answer my phone and talk to the two friends I have left who have been calling and supporting me for years. For weeks, they have left a constant flow of messages. It wasn’t until today that was able to send them messages telling them why.
Today, I also realized I haven’t taken my meds for weeks, which include heart, diabetic and psych meds. The psych meds treat my mildly bipolar symptoms. I just don’t think about taking them. But when I do, I’ll tell myself I’ll take them in a little bit–and I forget.
But I don’t think the current depression is so much a sign of bi-polar as much as it is situational.
In the Bible, God sends Eve to Adam because he declares it is not good for man to be alone. And I’ve reaped what I’ve sown.
A lot of people, including my divorce lawyer, my shrink and others familiar with my ex have all stated she had serious mental issues. I have to agree. But in the early years of our marriage, we overcame problems. We loved and cared about each other. But as a Gospel song I remember says “Love is not a feeling but an act of your will.”
During our marriage, the bipolar punches of mania and depression kept me in trouble, both in my marriage and my jobs. Too many shrinks said I was depressed and I endured a decade of antidepressants which made me far worse.
Between our mutual issues, our lives became violent with frequent screaming battles that kept my boys awake and in fear.
And now, I reap what I’ve sown. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of the ex, frequently crying myself to sleep about what was lost. Ro, if you ever read this, I beg you for another chance or, at least, please end the animosity between us. I will do my absolute best to love you, lift you up, support you in the way you deserve to be treated and listen to and honor your feelings.
Both my boys rarely speak to me either; so the family I made is destroyed nearly beyond repair. Yet I still cling to hope.
After the divorce, I became involved with my high school senior prom date. We were involved, on-and-off for about five years while I traveled throughout the country and we then lived together for another seven years. But the relationship gradually eroded and when her mentally-disturbed granddaughter who was in a psych hospital accused me of touching her inappropriately, she demanded I leave. Within a few weeks, I was cleared by both local police and the state BCW. But by then, I had moved to Florida and she still wouldn’t take me back – leading me to believe there were several other issues that I failed to address.
Anyway, here I am in Florida, getting by on Social Security but I can’t afford a car and my cataracts prevent me from driving or renting a car. At the same time, I am unable to motivate myself enough to see an eye doctor. I also won’t see a dentist to get some false teeth.
And, of course, I have other health issues. Not taking care of my diabetes has resulted in the loss of half of my right foot. And an old injury from high school baseball has left me with a very bad left knee. My balance is poor. Last December, I fell into my brand new, just- decorated Christmas tree.
I suppose I can deal with that but I had a heart attack on Thanksgiving Day in 2021. Now heart problems were nowhere near my wheelhouse. Both my parents were alcoholics and heavy smokers. My dad died of liver disease and my mom of lung cancer. But both lived a couple of years more than predicted because they had such strong hearts. I remain easily fatigued and exercise is minimal. And the only fear I have of death is dying alone.
And even though I’m alive, death is constantly taking other people. The worst has been my cousin “Red.” When my parents split, I lived with my aunt and uncle for a few months and he became my unofficial “big brother.” He died about two years ago and I’ve yet to stop grieving. I recently learned his sister, my cousin Rita, about a decade older than me, has become senile. A fellow writer, I am devastated to know that her brilliant mind has left us. And my other cousin, a long-retired policeman, is now in Florida but, like me, too disabled to travel (even to Red’s funeral) and also like me, does not communicate with others.
Besides family, I’ve lost so many friends, classmates and teammates. Bobby C, Debbie L, Pam W, Pete C, Lois C, Frank and Gina S, Chip, and so many others.
So, what am I to do about being so lonely? I’ve tried the Facebook dating app for seniors, but I rarely get a response from others. Years ago, I got a lot more response from Our Time but am not ready to try it again.
So, as the ex once said, Karma got me – by the balls and the brains.
