My Nuclear Weapons Position

Nuke ‘em

Today, as part of my campaign for president, I would like to explain my policy about using nuclear weapons.

Use ‘em. Nuke the bastards. 

At the moment, we have problems with North Korea, Afghanistan, and Syria. I might want to include some other trouble spots. But the nukes will never fall on any of the cities. We don’t need fallout. Instead, let’s detonate some small nukes in space above them. This will create EMPs. The result—anything plugged in or having computer chips will fry. 

The expression “nuke them back to the stone age” might be considered. But it’s more likely their technology will go back to the 1800s. Afganistan is the possible exception since much of their society is still in the 18th century. 

So what would be the result? Russia won’t attack because we’ll have a BIG nuke over Moscow. The moment they attempt to launch, we’ll fry their electronics making attack impossible. We owe China so damn much money, their economy would collapse. 

But the main thing is that after this, nobody will fuck with us. 

President Merkin Muffley: General Turgidson. it is the avowed policy of our nation never to strike first with nuclear weapons!

Gen. Buck Turgidson: Well sir, I would say that General Ripper has already invalidated THAT policy!

— Dr. Strangelove

Peanut Butter Now. Peanut Butter Tomorrow. Peanut Butter forever!

The so-called administration of the 45th president is clearly a disaster. Even if you support his policies, you cannot help it that he is such a pig. He does not belong in the White House, but rather the outhouse because he’s so full of shit. 

He does not belong in the White House, but rather the outhouse 

And, in viewing the current crop of Democratic candidates, I see no one is clearly capable of beating Trump. So something must be done. 

So, unless the Democrats want to nominate Oprah Winfry, I must do something about it myself. I’m far more obnoxious than the incumbent, and I can’t possibly waste time on the golf course since I don’t play golf. Though I certainly could get used to spending time in Hawaii. 

So, unless the Democrats want to nominate Oprah Winfry, I must do something about it myself.

So I offer myself as a candidate for the presidency. Think of the possibilities. I’m a fat person in my early 70s. While not a genius, I’m pretty much above the chart and I’m willing to release my report cards. I barely made it through high school and it took more than a quarter century to get a college degree. And I’m certainly not “stable.” 

So my qualifications as an asshole are will above those of the incumbent. 

I’m very much in favor of immigrants, especially Mexicans, since I want my fruit to be cheaper. I say “let the MFers in” I’m fed up with mowing my lawn and the house needs to be painted for cheap. But more than that later.

I’m very much in favor of immigrants, especially Mexicans, since I want my fruit to be cheaper. I say “let the MFers in” I’m fed up with mowing my lawn and the house needs to be painted for cheap.

For now, I want to address my main point: those who suffer peanut allergies. They are clearly defective and potentially violent though I’m sure some of them are nice people. And how do we contain them? It’s simple. Serve PB&J sandwiches in schools. 

To begin with, I understand that prior to the banning of peanuts, lunchtime in our schools, in fact at work and at home as well, was a far more enjoyable experience. So why should the happiness of so many be attacked by these less-than-normal people. There is no good reason for it. If those who can’t be taught to avoid peanuts, what is the point of them even attending school? If they can’t learn that peanuts will kill them, they probably would be better off suffering the consequences. If pussy parents don’t want their children to be exposed to peanuts, let them home school or institutionalize them. 

Think of the money we will save by not educating these defective spawn. These pathetic excuses for human beings should be returned to the shithole countries they came from. People, this is a national crisis. If they continue to be such a burden on our society, let’s give them a chance to experience how the realities of life are all about. Empty the camps of Mexicans and send them there. In my first week in office, I will promote legislation that every person in the United States be tested for peanut allergies. And if immigrants want to be here, give every one of them a PB&J before they are permitted to enter.Can you think of a better way to welcome them?

When was the last time YOU had a PB&J? I know you feel happier especially after having one with a glass of milk. So let’s make America ate again. 

Over the coming year, I will address many issues. So look for them. My next topic will be nuclear war. I’m for it. 

Make America Ate Again!