For the past weeks, I have been dealing with much sorrow. So much of what I had a year ago is no longer here. It is mid-day of my birthday, and my family has chosen to ignore me. And that is my fault. They see me as having deserting them.
For those of you reading this who don’t know me well, I went on a road trip last April and when I left my house, I also left my home. I am not wanted back and I have had to start a new life. There is pain here.
I knew that people would support me on this date, and I do have some e-mail and Facebook wishes, but I was shocked to find, even on the eve of my birthday, about a half dozen cards have been slipped under my door by my neighbors. I moved in only about six weeks ago, and was gone for three weeks since. Yet they have expressed good wishes to me.
It is so different from where I was. For years, my children rarely acknowledged my birthday – as is the case this year – but I am used to it. But my wife had her birthday two weeks ago, and they didn’t acknowledge her day. I had to browbeat them into doing something for many years. I had sent her an e-mail wishing her well. I was the only one of her family to do so, and probably the only one not expected to do it.
And so, I say to myself, what have I done to deserve all these good wishes? I am not used to being treated this way. I have frequently thought of love and friendship being a transaction, with conditions. And yet there are none today. It is as if I am an infant learning about how these things are, on my 63rd birthday!
I have often reflected on the Beatles’ “When I’m 64” song from the Sgt. Pepper Album. I had kind of looked at my marriage in that way, wondering if it could go into old age. It hasn’t. I cannot accept it going on the way it was and she, I guess, cannot accept what I would need to make it work. Next week at this time, we will be in front of a judge trying to figure out how to make the divorce work. We can’t even agree on that.
But I digress. In thinking it over, my only conclusion is God is once again working on me. My point is that we don’t have to act in a certain way to accept his love. It is that of a father for his children. No matter how much grief they give you, you still love them and want the best for them.
There are two Bible verses that come to mind. “Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days,” is from Ecclesiastes 11:1. Some interpreters (not unreasonably) understand by "bread" the seed from the produce of which bread is made. Seed cast upon the fertile soil flooded by the early rains would be returned to the sower in autumn with large increase. Others feel it means the casting of rice upon water fields and that it would also have a harvest.
Since leaving home, I have tried to be an honest, decent, caring human being and perhaps the cards are part of my harvest. I don’t know if it involves the law of my particular harvest, because I have also spread much bad things over the years. My only wish is that I could have somehow behaved the way I do now in my marriage. But too many years of sowing bad seeds have left that a wasteland. What I am grateful for is that I still have the opportunity to discover things like this.
The other Biblical verse goes: “For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in. (Matthew, 25:35)” In this verse, Jesus is talking about the way we treat others, as if they were sent from God. I have been fortunate enough to be able to do some things, but I feel that it is more the people who I come in contact with that are treating me as if God sent me to them. Getting this from others is something that I find something very new, even though I try to practice it.
So for those who have been kind to me on this date, I am very grateful. For the Lord who has sent them to give me meat – both real and spiritual, quench the thirst that comes from being fearful and alone, and took me in, I also am deeply grateful that a wretch such as me should be given such wonderful rewards.
I have had a very wonderful chance to see the beauty that God has given us over the summer and I would like to share it. If you care to, either click the title above or go to http://www.michaelmunzer.com to view a brief movie.
Peace to everyone.
