James “Doc” Counsilman, perhaps the most innovative coach in United States swimming history, was an icon in the competitive swimming world when I was a high schooler.
He was the head coach of the United States men's swimming teams that won 9 of 11 gold medals in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics and 12 of 13 in the 1976 Montreal Olympics. Australians coached by Counsilman at Indiana University won the two gold medals that eluded Americans in 1964.
Counsilman swam the English Channel at the age of 58 and noted it hurt only once, when he got in until he got out. He had developed many mechanical and psychological techniques that had revolutionized the swimming world. One of his theories was there are three levels of physical discomfort. He felt swimmers could experience hurt, then pain, and finally agony. Those who emerged from the pool in agony were the champions.
I was reminded of this theory recently when I received another onslaught of e-mails from my soon-to-be ex-wife today. Prior to my leaving, there was a lot of hurt. And early on, it graduated to pain. But now it is at the level of agony. If one could think it over, most people would begin to start healing after five months. In my case, it has gotten worse as the level of anger has increased.
I have received 68 e-mails in the last month alone from my spouse. They are mostly nasty. I have been emotionally unable to open them any more. On either Wednesday or Thursday, I will finally have a court hearing on the divorce. I reach this moment completely exhausted. I do not want to go. I do not want to face her any more. It is something I have to go through, but also will be full of bitter accusations and controversy. I expect that by the time the hearing is over, the tears will flow. And that is a good thing because they will be needed.
What is bringing about the agony? There were many horrible times in our marriage, but also some good times. I want to focus on the good ones, but the anger is pushing them out of the picture. And that is truly sad.
In my heart, I know that the life I have now is better. I am overwhelmed by the love, friendship and support I have received. My self-image has gone from worthless outcast to grateful participant in life. Yet I continue to ask myself if the hurt, pain and agony is worth it? I don’t have an answer yet.
