Dark Times

Some people who have read this feel I've written it because I'm in trouble. Actually, I wrote it to gain perspective on what seems to happen every winter shortly after Christmas. I am told that there is some sort of name for this problem and that a number of people become depressed during this time because the sun is so brief and the weather is colder. Where I am living now, in the Pacific Northwest, makes this worse because we see so few days of sunshine due to the constant rains. The title "Dark Times" refers to the amount of daylight far more than my mental situation.

But as I update this, I am OK. This is an account of what happens when the darkness comes, which is one of the reasons I would never live in a place like Alaska, where the darkness lasts months.

* * *

Let’s begin by saying that I’m insane. There are those who know me and care about me that accept it and know I will have some “dark” times and when I have a lot of stress, I will isolate myself, which is about the worst thing I could possibly do.

I can trace my personal insanity back to a spring evening in 1954. My mother was standing in the living room, swaying back and forth in what I now realize was a drunken stupor. “Tell your father I’m leaving,” she said and staggered out the door.

I didn’t understand what “leaving” meant but I did understand 11 different addresses and six different schools between then and the spring of 1959 when I finally had a mental breakdown. It took nearly five years at a home for boys to pull myself together and return to the insanity with enough strength to survive.

But there is a strong difference between surviving and thriving. I have learned to live one day at a time, but try to plan far ahead. There are difficulties with this and there are times, like right now, that events come crashing down on me and crush my ability to function.

The result is an overwhelming sense of fear, especially when the days are short. It can become irrational. Right now, for example, Things are not working well where I am volunteering. The work itself is fine and I am doing well with my supervisors and co-workers. But part of the deal is that the park was supposed to compensate me for money I laid out to stay at a local campground. I was supposed to be compensated within about three weeks. It’s been about six weeks, and the money has yet to come in. I’m broke. But I’ve been broke before. The issue is really how long can I hold on? I’ve had to reduce my car insurance, eliminate my supplemental medical insurance and may have to cancel my cell phone now that my contract is due to end next month. And this also restricts what I want to do. If there is no money for gas, for example, I can’t go out and discover the country, which is why I’m on my journey to begin with.

But there are other things that I am discovering about myself. And I don’t like them. A number of people I’ve known since my divorce have asked the same question: “Can’t you be happy with what you have now?”

In my morose mindset, I’ve come to the conclusion the answer is “no.” I want, even demand, something that I can’t have – control. I look far ahead of where I expect to be volunteering at over the coming year and more. And I expect the same of a relationship. And I have discovered if I can’t have the assurance of a good relationship that will last forever, I reject the relationship, yet search for the “right” one. I feel like the man of LaMancha, tilting at windmills in a warped view of reality. The fact is, these feelings are extreme and do not last very long. But long enough to drive me bananas when I don't realize what is going on.

Over the last three years, I’ve tried to discover what has happened to my life. I have an older cousin who knew my mother before I was born. I’ve realized that it wasn’t my fault my mother drank. She related a story long before I was born about arguments between my mom and grandmother. She was a nasty drunk long before I was born.

In a quest for truth about that time, I have met with many school classmates and mental health professionals and have come to realize that in my youth I was somewhat different, but my reaction to my circumstances was normal.

And I’ve realized the people who really care about me have accepted my insanity.

But I’m not really happy with it. I’ve been diagnosed as being depressed, and bi-polar, and then having suffered PTSD after all the hell I’ve been through not only in my childhood but also my adult life. I sometimes wonder if I’m suffering from schizophrenia, I'm not, but when the darkness of the days come, I wonder.

Some of the insanity is beyond my control. But much was within my control. And I tend to do dumbass things in an effort to control it. I’ve tried all kinds of medications, most of which I react badly to. I’ve tried to find myself in both my work and extreme religious sects. Fundamentalist Christians may be way off center in our culture, but there are definite aspects of right and wrong. The problem is most of us can’t walk that straight and narrow road as well as we wish. How do we know for certain that God has a plan for us and how do we walk in faith? I suppose that’s the same as trying to live in the moment or just be happy with the way things are.

As I've contemplated it, the darkness and cold of the weather is a constant factor. It is raining heavily as I write this and it is windy and my trailer rocks. I realize now that I need to spend winter in a warmer clime and will probably search for someplace new before next winter. And so, as I begin to emerge from another dark week or so, I look at the uncertain future that I can’t control and remain not terrified, but very anxious. Right now, it's life sucks, and then you die. But I know life can be so much more. I am tired of the strife. I try to be of service to my fellow man. I try to practice random acts of kindness. And yet facing the chaos is what I am failing in courage. The 60-year battle is finally overwhelming me.

* * *

In the two weeks since I wrote this, I have come out of my dark times. We have had several days of sunshine as opposed to rain. This is unusual for the Northwest coast. In addition, I now have a backup plan regarding the problems with not being reimbursed. I also have firmed up future plans for the summer and beyond. And so my normal optimistic nature has started to return. Things aren't perfect by any means, but I can deal with them. And the way to do so is to act on them.